It all started with a disease called Type 1 Diabetes, an autoimmune condition where the immune system attacks and kills the beta cells of the pancreas.
You know there is something wrong with you when your own body decides to attack itself. Just like a snake biting its own tail. I didn’t know what kind of adventure I was going to get into yet. I had no idea that this would lead me to the wild Amazon jungle in Peru Iquitos, to meet with the Shamans and the master plants: Tobacco, Coca, San Pedro and the mother of all, Ayahuasca.
“I was in search of a cure. What I didn’t know was that the cure was inside me, and that it has always been there.”
Three years ago I got my diagnosis. At first I just couldn’t accept it. I was fighting against diabetes and I was obsessed with my blood sugar. I would hate myself for not controlling it properly. I tried to reverse it with diet, supplements, herbs, etc. Diet is indeed very important in the healing process, but it is not only about that.
It took me three years to realize that in order to truly heal physically, I needed to heal inside first. This means making space for those emotions that I had been avoiding and repressing all those years. Emotions such as guilt, anger, and a lack of self-esteem.
“I had a problem with love and with the sweetness of life. I just couldn’t accept the love of others because I didn’t have any for myself. It’s as if all my life I had a big black cloud over my head. I am 25 years old and it has been officially 7 years that I’m single. I was sick and I was attracted to sickness.”
I needed to heal so I could love again. Now was the time to face my shadow. That dark side was deep. I had work to do, karma to clean. There was no way I could do this alone: I needed help.
So I asked the Universe for some, and I got some. And that help was way beyond what I was expecting.
I’m not quite sure when this fight against myself all started. I was broken in pieces and needed to put them back together in order to be me again.
I also had a problem connecting with others. I had this fear of intimacy. I even went to workshops in order to open myself more and crack that cage around my heart. It did help, but there was still a big void inside me and instead of avoiding it I just jumped in.
And that’s how they appeared: those wonderful and powerful “psychedelic tools”, “healing tools”. They were calling me.
I first heard of Ayahuasca through a documentary two years ago, and since then I literally became obsessed with it. Ayahuasca is a very strong and sacred psychedelic brew. It is a medicine traditionally used by the Shamans for attaining altered states of consciousness.
“Albert Einstein once said, “We can’t solve a problem with the same consciousness or thinking that first got us into it.” I guess this is why those plants were calling me so much. My mind was strong and full of false beliefs. I needed to break it open and I needed to clean it.”
I’ve always loved travelling and exploring the world. But this is the year that I decided to explore my mind. I took a great soul vacation that led me into the beautiful darkness of my own self… And I went all in! Especially for a girl who judged people for smoking weed, who had never wanted to try “magic” mushrooms because she was too afraid of losing her mind (please, lose it)…
In one year, I smoked 5-Meo-DMT and Salvia.
I did approximately five ceremonies with psilocybin mushrooms and the stars finally aligned for me to realize my dream of going to Peru to meet with the master plants.
There, I did a 7 days seclusion Tobacco diet, three ceremonies of San Pedro, a ceremony with Coca leaves and two with Ayahuasca.
Openly sharing my story is very important to me because these plants truly changed my life. They are really powerful healing tools, if you open yourself to their knowledge and you work with them. The first time I tried psilocybin mushroom in a healing ceremony, I spent six hours crying and laughing, talking about all the boys who had broken my heart. I had a crazy amount of unexpressed emotions in me. After the ceremony, I thought that was it, but no…
During my second ceremony, I was a little child who refused to come into this world because it was too boring and there was no magic, but it was telling me that they needed me and that I needed to be brave.
But one of the most intense experiences was for sure my seven days in seclusion with no food, in the jungle. Just me and the spirit of Tobacco. I still get shivers thinking about it.
After I had my first drink of Tobacco, and after I purged, I stayed on the floor the entire day crying and thinking about horses. Thinking about how I used to love them so much and I couldn’t understand why I stopped connecting with them.
San Pedro opened me up the shitty images I thought of myself, showing me how I was focusing too much attention on my physical appearance and the perceptions of others, their eyes watching me.
Finally, the most intense experience was with The Grand Mother of all: Ayahuasca.
Ayahuasca showed me a lot of things. She threw me in the air and she tore me apart. She showed me the prison that I had been creating for myself and helped me to understand the roots of the disease. Then I felt a fire in my belly. It was a baby, a very beautiful one, but fuck it was painful and I just wanted to get him out. I was having contractions inside my throat like if i was giving birth to the biggest baby in the Universe. I was in bliss, in pain, in pain again, then in bliss… I was seeing blood and butterflies. I was possessed. Possessed by this baby demon who wanted to get out but I just wasn’t able to get it out as hard as I was pushing. Then I surrendered. I started shaking my hands and feet in the air and I was saying out loud that this baby was a beautiful demon, that this baby was me. Then I finally purged, and died, and woke up in my vomit.
I thought the ceremony was over. Haha… Nope!
The second cup kicked in and it was clear that Mother Ayahuasca was not yet done with me. She brought me so high that I needed to take a cold shower to bring me back a little.
But this is what I needed to remember. And fuck, it felt so great to remember! For a moment she got my head out of the game. It was like going backstage at a theatre show. I was laughing so much about the character that I was playing here, on Earth, in the 3-dimensional world. That character was so grumpy compared to my funny and bubbly higher self at 8 feet tall. I thought she was ridiculous. But at the same time, I had so much love for her, because I had been creating her so that I could find myself.
I know. This all sounds confusing, but it is one of the purposes of it all – to get separated from yourself just to reconnect and realize that you’ve never been separated after all.
I had a glimpse of that sensation when I smoked 5-Meo-DMT. I found myself submerged by a very bright light. The feeling was euphoric. At first I thought it was God, but really it was only me. This abundance and joy was actually in me.
I learnt that facing my shadow, my demons, and my disease had nothing to do with fighting them or trying to get rid of them. It was quite the opposite – I needed to let them in, to sit with them, to feel them, to make space for them, to acknowledge them, and to just accept them…
Ayahuasca showed me that pushing too hard to try to get the demon out of me was not helping, it was only hurting me. She (the plant) was showing me that I needed to trust and surrender to the process; the baby demon would leave my throat when he would be ready. I needed to be patient and gentle with him.
I now know that the most important thing that I have here on Earth is my body. I am not on a spiritual journey: my body is. I have decided to tune in and listen to it. I realized that my body possesses all the answers and that it just needed time to readjust to the new vibrations and integrate this new knowledge…
I am still learning to balance my diet and my life and my blood sugar. I am slowly integrating my experiences and I am working on bringing back the child in me because that is the real me.
I used to draw fairies, create games, write stories and make “magic potions” before I got consumed by the sickness of doing things that are not me in order to fit in. I don’t want to “do” me. I want to “be” me.
This is all about being and not so much about doing. Being right here, in the now. I do not need a career to be me, I do not need a boyfriend to be me, I do not need money to be me. I just have to bring back the child in me.
And here I am back in Montreal in the 3-dimensional world.
Oh please dear seekers, I am asking you to put your ego to the side and ask me the questions that are burning your lips. I am here to help.
If you are looking for me, I will be spending time with my alien friends sun gazing, talking about the Pleiadians, or drawing fairies in my room while listening to some channelling sessions with Kryon of magnetic service.
I might have gone a little beyond the reef…
But I came back in order to share my story in a hope to inspire and help those who have a desire to heal and explore themselves. After all, it is a beautiful game that we are all playing together in a circle.
I wish to say thank you to the plants and all the people I met this year that changed the way I am seeing the world and myself!
There is a group going to Peru in October, to the same center that I went to. If you feel the call and would like more information, please write me an email at firstname.lastname@example.org.
If you wish to follow my very ”ordinary” life, please follow me on Instagram by clicking here : @mimi_cadi
Story and illustration by Mylene Cadieux;
“What you perceived to be your shadow self is hiding a golden treasure… with love.”