Before stepping into a room, you have this overwhelming sense someone is in there waiting for you. The door opens and immediately you are drawn to a complete stranger, that surge rises from a deep place within you and swirls around your heart. Your blood pressure rises, your stomach flutters. You are experiencing that ‘love at first sight’ sort of feeling. Or is it just anxiety and society told us otherwise. I am starting to wonder if love can truly be built from this unstable place. Someone recently told me that when you do meet a partner there will be a calmness suspended in the air because you are certain you were meant to meet this person. I am still having a hard time grasping this idea because all my feelings felt in my body are potent indicators of my surroundings, let me explain.
“I am learning that I love with this kind of intensity that most men don’t know how to take, let alone accept.”
I’m a Leo. In an astrological sense it means many things, but for me it symbolizes that fact that I am loyal and I love hard. When I say I love hard, I mean it. I am learning that I love with this kind of intensity that most men don’t know how to take, let alone accept. I am this whirlwind of feelings and I get vulnerable real fast. It’s probably terrifying for someone not prepared for that type of dynamic explosion of emotions and rightly so. But in doing this I usually end up smothering those men with my deep truth telling and unabashedly vulnerability. I can’t help it. I become lost in it all. In retrospect, I must learn to ground myself in that passion, because – is it possible for love to be built from this unstable and unpredictable place?
I understand that heartbreak is inevitable, there is no denying that. As a woman that is stepping into her wildness with each rotation around the sun, I am realizing I require the type of man that isn’t afraid of my wild nature, but instead is ready and willing to become enveloped in it. As I stand here once again looking down on the shattered pieces of my heart I vow not to wallow in it, instead I vow to understand this part of me that loves with conviction. I will love hard again and my fragile heart will break again but with each time I will hold in reverence the potential of a love that can exist between two people.
“I require the type of man that isn’t afraid of my wild nature, but instead is ready and willing to become enveloped in it.”
We will always risk when we decide to love hard, this is a risk I am always willing to take. And in the midst of heartbreak, shattered broken feelings all over the floor I always ask myself why the hell did I even bother, what the hell is the point? It takes two people to enter a relationship and more often than not it takes one person to end it. It is part of the human experience and without love and all the madness that comes with it you are void of a certain aspect of living. To live means to love. It pours over into other aspects of your life, and when we risk, our backbone strengthens. Without the risk you will never understand what it takes to be the best version of yourself. Even though it’s devastating, heartbreak will build your reserve and when you are open to learning about what can happen from the relationship, you can take it and build upon it for the next. Be deliberate in the excavation process. Learn to lean into the feelings, sit with the ache and watch where it can potentially lead to.
“Love is this fickle place so to understand how you love and how you need to be loved is just as much a priority as training for a marathon or building your career.”
Love is this fickle place so to understand how you love and how you need to be loved is just as much a priority as training for a marathon or building your career. Think of it as an ongoing process of unraveling the lover within you. With each relationship beginning and ending, layers will continue to peel away revealing what is required to keep you yearning to evolve for yourself and your partner. You must know what your worth is and what type of partner is required for your growth. There is zero shame in understanding what kind of love is required for you. I believe we are conditioned to believe that love and sex looks a certain way. I call bullshit. I believe there are many layers of love and sex and you must understand what works and doesn’t work for you. With this awareness, then it’s up to you to do the work and explore all those aspects of oneself, without the shame.
All I know is that once you have the willingness to learn and break patterns that limit your evolution in any type of relationship that is where change stems from. Each love can imprint you. In different ways, shape you and blend into you. Each love will build upon the previous love, whether you are aware of it or not. If you let that love plant in your heart and grow from there, the roots will entangle your arteries, steep through the walls and flow through you. Once it’s planted, love will always be there. Next time you feel love, know that it comes from within you and no one else is giving that to you, instead they play the role as a catalyst. We become so emotional in love and out of love. We are quickly taught that whoever steals pieces of your heart should be carelessly taken down and are unforgiveable. Living from this place most people walk around the world jaded and left with a bitter taste in their mouth. We learn how to be unforgiving in love. I feel that this lack of forgiveness imprints us just as much as love will. Forgiveness can surrender a person from another and release the grip that relationship had on someone.
I do not dare to say I have all the answers, all I know is that I will always take my chances with love. I know walking into it there will never be a loss even if my partner and I fall apart. Perhaps all we need to do is become absorbed in it, excited about it without becoming concerned about the outcome and just learn to live through the madness of love.
Image – Vanessa Shakti by Cynthia Caraz